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Betty White – 97

Betty White – 97

Betty White recently turned 97. Isn’t that amazing? She’s been working in the entertainment industry for 75 years.

When asked what her secret to a long life was simple:

A positive outlook.

Vodka.

Hotdogs.

I think she’s an absolute jewel.

I can’t do the hotdogs or the vodka, but I try to remain positive.

(I’m trying to find the right CSS code for images and it’s driving me slightly bonkers. I apologize for the weird large images you’ll see before I get it fixed.)

Ze Mystery, She is Solved

Ze Mystery, She is Solved

I have a raccoon.

The hand print gave him away.

He has done significant damage to my chimney – as referenced in the picture – but only screwed up the insulation, not the wiring. Plus, there was some fecal matter, but not oodles.

What the nice man from Varmint Masters (really liked the guy – Stanley tried to eat him before he was put in time out in my office) said was that the office was a perfect location for the raccoon. He could hide in the sections to the side, where the ceiling drops off.

Here’s a picture of the ceiling:

Off to the right, where the ceiling drops down, is where I heard the raccoon. (Nice to know I’m not nuts.)

Getting rid of said raccoon is not a cheap process, but it’s worth it if I don’t have to hear the footprints on the ceiling and the scrabbling around.

After he or she has been caught, the chimney will be flashed in metal all the way around to prevent this from happening again. The last step is to sanitize the attic.

I was warned that when the raccoon was trapped that it wasn’t going to be a silent experience. He would not be a happy camper. As long as I KNOW what those noises are, I’m okay. It’s the spooky 4:30 AM sounds that bother me.


How to Know You’re Losing Your Mind

How to Know You’re Losing Your Mind

  1. Hear noises every morning you come into your office. Since you start work before 5:00 AM, this is early, before sunrise.
  2. Stare at the ceiling for several minutes as you listen to the footsteps, scrabbling, and generally sounds you don’t expect in your ceiling.
  3. Talk to your dog about the noises.
  4. Go get the broom and hit the ceiling repeatedly, then the exterior walls, all while discussing the issue with your dog.
  5. Congratulate yourself on your brilliance when the noise stops.
  6. On the second day, hear footsteps, something that sounds like curtain rings sliding across a rod, and strangely enough, the sound of something metallic being dropped.
  7. Repeat #4 for at least ten minutes.
  8. Repeat #5.
  9. On the third day, don’t even talk to the dog. Just get the broom and start banging the hell out of everything. Dog retreats from the room, just in case.
  10. Grab your Amazon Tap, the Alexa speaker that uses batteries, and command it to play marching bands. Turn the speaker up to ear bleed levels and hold the speaker up to the vent.
  11. Realize you have lost your mind and the battle with the varmint. It is merrily running all over the ceiling – which is hard to do since this is a cathedral ceiling.
  12. Give up and call Varmint Masters. They’ll be here tomorrow morning. It’s curtains for you, squirrel or possum or skunk or cat or whatever you are. Okay, maybe not curtains. I don’t want you dead. I just want you gone.
The Worm and the Dog

The Worm and the Dog

This is a lumbar roll that you use when you have back issues. You either sleep with it or you use it to keep your posture good as you’re sitting.

I bought this sucker years ago and recently found it in the bowels of my closet. Yes, my closet has intestines.

Picture this without being tied. It’s about four feet long and it’s very soft and squishy.

Little did I know that it would turn out to the the BEST dog toy. Stanley adores it.

It’s basically foam rubber. Stanley runs through the house with it, shakes it like mad, then straddles it and growls while he kills it repeatedly. I have never laughed so hard at anything than at Stanley with what I’m calling the worm. 

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The worm reminds me of when you buy something really cool for your kids, but they love the box better.

Maybe I should explore my closet’s intestines more often.

I Am Deeply Sorry…

I Am Deeply Sorry…

… for this picture. I can’t remember where I saw it on the internet.

Note how they describe it as a women’s “sexy” high cut swimsuit? The jury’s still out on that one. 🙂