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  1. Hear noises every morning you come into your office. Since you start work before 5:00 AM, this is early, before sunrise.
  2. Stare at the ceiling for several minutes as you listen to the footsteps, scrabbling, and generally sounds you don’t expect in your ceiling.
  3. Talk to your dog about the noises.
  4. Go get the broom and hit the ceiling repeatedly, then the exterior walls, all while discussing the issue with your dog.
  5. Congratulate yourself on your brilliance when the noise stops.
  6. On the second day, hear footsteps, something that sounds like curtain rings sliding across a rod, and strangely enough, the sound of something metallic being dropped.
  7. Repeat #4 for at least ten minutes.
  8. Repeat #5.
  9. On the third day, don’t even talk to the dog. Just get the broom and start banging the hell out of everything. Dog retreats from the room, just in case.
  10. Grab your Amazon Tap, the Alexa speaker that uses batteries, and command it to play marching bands. Turn the speaker up to ear bleed levels and hold the speaker up to the vent.
  11. Realize you have lost your mind and the battle with the varmint. It is merrily running all over the ceiling – which is hard to do since this is a cathedral ceiling.
  12. Give up and call Varmint Masters. They’ll be here tomorrow morning. It’s curtains for you, squirrel or possum or skunk or cat or whatever you are. Okay, maybe not curtains. I don’t want you dead. I just want you gone.