Karen Ranney

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

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I’ve Made Boobs!

February 16, 2017

I’ve been cooking. Seriously. No kidding.

I’ve been trying to find a decent low carb bread recipe. I’m craving French bread. The really hard stuff that makes you think you’ve broken a tooth. Or the kind that you make foot long sandwiches from. I can’t EAT French bread or any kind of bread, which is why I started on this quest.

Let me tell you something right up front. There is nothing, nada, zilch, zip that can take the place of real bread. However, if you’re like me, eating real bread is tantamount to a death sentence (let’s be honest here, just between friends. It’s not really a death sentence. You just WISH you were dead after about a day or two of the symptoms of eating real bread. Nuff said, right?)

So, off I go in search of something that might be semi-palatable. Oh, the exploits I could share with you. No pictures. I was too embarrassed by all the bowls and other messy kitchen paraphrenalia. Let me, instead, set the scene with words. First, however, remember that low carb bread baking is a pain and is more difficult than regular bread, because you have to substitute two things: sugar, which is absolutely vital for the yeast in yeast breads and flour, neither which you can eat on a low carb food plan.  Here’s are my experiments so far:

  1. “Oopsie bread.” Made with cream cheese and eggs.  Here’s a recipe for this one: http://www.food.com/recipe/oopsie-bread-497736 I would totally follow the recommendation and make this with psyllium seed husk AND using parchment paper on the cookie sheet. Oh, and a word to the wise. Some psyllium seed husk powder will turn your oopsie bread a pretty shade of purple. (Mine were a lovely shade of violet.) I’ve been recommended to use this brand of psyllium husk powder.
  2. “Low Carb Sandwich Bread.” Not a bad recipe, but the crust falls off of the rest of the bread. Still, it doesn’t crumble as badly as some of the other concoctions I’ve made in the past few days. Here’s the recipe for that one: http://acleanbake.com/low-carb-sandwich-bread/
  3. “Soul bread.” Good grief, I practically drained my bank account for all the weird ingredients this one requires. It really is a science experiment. It uses whey instead of flour, for example. I haven’t made it yet because all the fancy dancy ingredients aren’t here yet. I’ll let you know how it turns out – I’m really looking forward to doing this one, since it’s supposed to be the closest to “real” bread and it’s only 1 carb per slice.
  4. “The Diet Doctor Bread.” I have never had as much fun with cooking as I did this recipe. The recipe states that you have to moisten your hands and make the dough into little balls (or whatever shape you want). Picture beige balls the size of ping pong balls. I didn’t have the light on the oven while they started cooking, but when I went to check on them imagine my surprise. I had made BOOBS! I mean, I just had to take a picture. They blew up about five times their size and turned dark brown. I think next time I’m going to back off some of the baking powder and only mix a little water in at a time. Here’s the Diet Doctor recipe: https://www.dietdoctor.com/recipes/the-low-carb-bread Oh, and my bread didn’t look anything like the pictures on his website, but I am trying again.

So how about you? Ever try to make low carb bread? Have any great recipes you’d recommend?

Filed Under: yes cooking Tagged With: food, Funny Stuff

Comments

  1. Denise says

    February 16, 2017 at 3:48 pm

    I eat whole grain bread which the body breaks down more slowly than white bread, so it’s healthier for you and easier on the glycemic index. I don’t have Type II diabetes, but I prefer to eat healthier bread. My kids have only had white bread (sandwich bread) when visiting grandparents.

    Hope you can find a solution.

    • Karen Ranney says

      February 18, 2017 at 11:19 am

      My problem is that any wheat based bread has, well, wheat in it. 🙂

  2. Terri S. says

    February 16, 2017 at 11:41 pm

    I’ve been buying the low carb bread at Walmart but I’ve been wanting to make my own. I need to try your recipes out. I also want to try making low carb pasta. Good luck and I’m looking forward to hearing how next bread making experiment goes.

    • Karen Ranney says

      February 18, 2017 at 11:19 am

      I found a great one that turned out wonderfully well. More on that today.

  3. Lenna Hendershott says

    February 17, 2017 at 5:20 pm

    No, I haven’t tried low carb bread but I’m on a quest for some kind of bread like substance that doesn’t have yeast. Good lord you would think there’s some kind of flat bread out there without yeast. I’ve become histamine sensitive and my diet is REALLY restricted so I don’t itch uncontrollably. The list of no-nos go on and on: yeast, dairy, soy, citrus, berries, stoned fruits, split peas, vinegar or any fermented foods, alcohol, shellfish, aged and cured foods (bacon & ham), canned and prepared foods, leftovers…oh and any meat that isn’t flash frozen immediately (i.e. fish). Yeast is in everything from soup to noodles to tortillas! I finally found one called Flat Out that had one flavor combo with no yeast and now it’s not available on the west coast, sigh. This is awful. I’ve been looking for a dietitian/cook to help cause I’m in over my head! I feel for you with your issues <3 Now you know why I've been so quiet on your blog.

    • Karen Ranney says

      February 18, 2017 at 11:17 am

      Oh, that’s miserable, Lenna! I feel for you. I’ve heard about people having to get rid of everything fermented in their diet. From what I’ve read, you’re absolutely right, there are a bunch of fermented and yeast products.

      I eat grass fed stuff from beef to butter, and have to limit myself in other ways, but it’s nowhere near to what you have to watch out for.

      Waving my health wand in your direction!

      • Lenna Hendershott says

        February 18, 2017 at 7:28 pm

        Thank you for the “Health wand waving”. From your wand to God’s ear! This seems to be just another bump in the road on my continuing health journey although it’s the hardest one yet, sigh. I’ve been dealing with one thing after another since 2 years after Crystal was born. That makes it 27 years now I’ve been declining. I’m hoping this one is temporary but I’ve gotta say it’s the hardest challenge yet. That’s saying something what with the adult onset type 1 diabetes and plantar fasciitis et all.

        • Karen Ranney says

          February 19, 2017 at 10:04 am

          Wow – type 1 diabetes? That is just wrong, Lenna. What a bear.

  4. Toni D says

    February 19, 2017 at 9:05 am

    What symptoms do you have? Do you ache?
    I try not to eat a lot of bread, but when I do it’s the real thing. Good luck. Love your Boob bread!

    • Karen Ranney says

      February 19, 2017 at 10:00 am

      Picture driving into Mexico and drinking the water – with ice cubes, eating the ice cream, salad (washed with water), then partaking of more water. That’s pretty much what my bread symptoms turn out to be. Or drinking coffee made with river water. 🙂

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