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Deep Dark Secret #1 – Know the Sparkly Bits

Posted on Posted in Profundities, TIP 9 Comments

Deep dark secretI’ve been getting the most fascinating questions from readers lately in my email. I decided to do a series of Deep Dark Secret posts about my writing, life, etc.

Deep Dark Secret #1 – Know the Sparkly Bits

I like to think that every event that happens to you in life, from the joyous to the awful, comes equipped with little sparkly bits that rub off. You graduated at the top of your class? Here’s a bunch of bright white sparkly bits. Your husband died? Here are some blue and black sparkles. You lost a child? Here are some more blue glittery bits. Sold a book? Bright yellow ones. You were assaulted and raped? Here are some red sparkles. You bought your own house? Here are some bright green sparkly bits.

We can’t choose which sparkly bits to keep or discard. They’re there, and they cling because we’re the repository of the things that have happened to us. But in the end, I don’t think what happens to us is as important as what we do with the experience.

With luck, we can take those sparkly bits and do something with them. Collect them all together and use them to illuminate the way for other people. Let the sparkly bits cling to the pages of books we write, the same ones people say make them laugh and cry. Look at our own sparkly bits from time to time and realize how strong we are, how resilient, and how much we’ve endured.

I like to imagine other people, sometimes even strangers, wearing their own sparkly bits. I think about what might have happened to them, what their overall color is. Have the joyous parts sparkled just a bit more than the other events? Or have the tragedies overwhelmed the good things in their lives? It’s especially important for me to examine myself and to see which colors are glowing the brightest. In other words, to know all my sparkly bits. Or, as other people would say: Writer – know thyself. Because if you don’t know yourself, how can you possibly know other people, even characters?

More deep dark secrets from other writers:

Six secrets every writer shares

I confess to laughing at numbers 2 and 4.

Other authors spill their secrets

Control Freak Confessions

Posted on Posted in Profundities, TIP 30 Comments

When I was in my twenties and thirties, I never thought I was a control freak. After all, I had young children and I defy you to try to control anything with kids. Plus, I worked in the corporate world and I wasn’t in a position of power, so I had no control over my work life.

In the last couple of years, however, I’ve begun to suspect that I was leaning toward being a control freak.

My Control Freak Tendencies:

  • I want calm, peace, and serenity in my life.
  • I want everything working all the time – cars, appliances, computers.
  • I want zero mistakes in my work.
  • I want to make my writing goal every single day.
  • I want great reviews on everything I write.

Okay, that’s not very realistic, is it?

The other day, however, something bad happened to me – a situation requiring me to hire an expert. I couldn’t figure out why I was balking. Why, above all, couldn’t I admit  the situation was way beyond my ability to handle it?

After doing some research, I’m certain that I’m a gold plated, certifiable, card-carrying control freak.

I don’t think I’m the kind of control freak who tells other people what to do. At least I don’t think so. When I’m desperate to give advice, I back off. It’s something I’ve had to learn with my son. He has the right to make his own mistakes. Okay, maybe I release a little inner control freak in this blog.

I’m very controlling of myself, however. I tend to make lists and count things. I always have goals, and I’m a perfectionist.

When my life isn’t going how I think it should (see the above list), I’m almost enervated by anxiety. For example, I exhibit more and more control freak behaviors when I’m near a deadline, or when life isn’t going very smoothly.

According to experts, control freaks are said to be people who feel out of control. I willingly confess that there have been many times in my life when I’ve felt out of control. Being a widow with two children to support wasn’t an easy job. No, let’s rephrase that – I was almost always out of control. Trading that job for being a full-time writer was pretty much like going from the frying pan to the fire.

The fun, fascinating, and really good part of this situation is that now I know being a control freak is my way of handling anxiety. Maybe it’s my basic nature to be anxious. Maybe it’s living in 2012. Maybe it’s being a writer. But I can’t control the world or even my own little part of it. I’ve been reading up on control freaks, identifying myself in too many categories, and finding strategies to understand and mitigate my controlling behavior.

(I’ve also realized that having Flash the Wonder Pooch is really healthy for me. I don’t control his behavior, and that’s a good thing.)

Here’s a fun quiz:

How to tell you’re a control freak

I’m a 72 – ” You are a pretty major control freak, though you may not know it. While your confidence is inspiring, your bossy ways tend to scare people off.”

Controlling your inner control freak