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According to PsychCentral.com, the web is now the number one source for sex partners.
That’s kind of scary, isn’t it?
What’s even scarier is that there are sites designed to help married men and women cheat.
I think cheating is when you share information, feelings, or thoughts with someone else that you should be sharing with your significant other. Maybe that’s too stringent for a lot of people, but I’m kind of rigid when it comes to fidelity and loyalty.
Experts blame the anonymity of the internet. It’s evidently easier to share information on the internet than it is in person. Well, I can certainly agree with that. On the web, you’re kind of a virtual reality personality.
As a single person who has had her share of hilarious online dating adventures, I can tell you that I prefer it to the bar/party scene. I don’t drink, first of all, and secondly, I’m not the prowling type. Plus, I can’t dance, so I might as well have a sign around my neck reading: Looking for love in all the wrong places.
I can understand how someone can innocently start a friendship on the web and it leading to something deeper. It’s kind of like having a “work wife”, when you share with a co-worker what should be shared with your wife. (It works the other way, too. You can have a work-husband.)
As far as the web goes, I totally agree with the advice given to committed couples:
- Give each other your username and password.
- Let the other person have total access to the computer.
and I’d add one more:
- Pretend that someone is always looking over your shoulder.
So, how about you? What do you think of my definition of cheating? Do you think the web offers opportunities for people who wouldn’t ordinarily “cheat”?
I agree with your definition of cheating, but I think shared passwords goes too far. It’s important to keep your own identity and what you do online is part of that. If my boyfriend asked me for my password to “check up” on me I would be very offended. He probably knows it anyway from checking things for me as a favour, but if I knew he were using it to read my emails etc I would not be impressed. I wouldn’t dream of opening his mail, for example, either. But you raise a really interesting point about identity online. It’s hard to know what a real “you” is anymore. You can be somebody completely different depending on the situation, and the Internet just explodes that concept.
I would only participate in the “show me your password” if it was reciprocal. The point, however, is moot with me, so maybe it’s easy for me to say.
Your definition of “cheating” is right on, Karen! My hubby would have been very hurt if I would have exchanged confidences with someone on the internet. He was my “go-to” man for absolutely everything. He was my partner, my best friend, my confidante – and he was secure in that knowledge. Our life on the internet was an open book to each other. It makes you wonder how many relationships would be so much stronger if partners would actually confide in each other like they do with friends (or even strangers) on the internet. It’s a no-excuses deal in my book. Just because the internet exists, there are people out there that are available and willing, and it’s easy to correspond – doesn’t mean you should take advantage of it. That time and effort would be best invested in your own relationship. It may be a real eye-opener to discover your best friend was living right in your own house!
I once had a work-husband and didn’t realize it until a mutual friend pointed out that he was telling me things he didn’t tell his wife. After that, I gradually withdrew from the friendship, until it was no longer that involved.
It can happen so easily.
I agree with what Karen and Toni said. We only have one computer and its ‘all access” for us. I am a terrible liar, so I don’t even try. We tell each other everything and are best friends. We just spoke the other day about how safe we feel with each other. Its nice to have someone you trust completely with your heart
The other thing about being online….over the years I have been on several political sites, I like to talk about current events with people. (something I miss since I no longer work at a salon) There is always ONE guy who picks me out of the bunch to send a fb message to and it always inappropriate. I am not flattered by this, it sickens me, literally. It could something as simple as “I think your pretty”…..”or I really like your profile pic.” I block them immediately ! If I did not block the person , I would be giving my husband a reason to ask “Why not ?” …Just like separate passwords, you are giving your spouse that little doubt, that little question of “why ?” for them to ponder……I don’t want him to have any questions about our relationship ! Like Karen said too, you also have a lot of frauds on the internet…people can pretend to be anyone they want at their desk. Its creepy, can’t imagine dating that way.
I do think it comes down to completely being open.
Oh, and let me tell you about the frauds on the web. One day, I might y’all about some of my dating adventures. Hilarious.
Karen….I did not meet my husband until I was 32, so I was single a long time…..I used to tell my dating stories in the salon….and had everyone laughing. Ah, the things we can endure with a sense of humor…..:)
A little less than a year ago, I found out my husband was cheating in this exact way. I was (and am) devastated. It may not be physical cheating, but I think it goes deeper since there is an emotional connection. I was ready to walk out the door. This affair had been going on under my nose for 3 months. He made promises to this girl (she was 21 to his 41) that blew my mind. I only found out because I got feeling in my gut & I got nosy. I actually chatted with this girl to see what had happened. It’s almost year later and you can bet your sweet bippy I check up on him. He has to earn my trust back. We’ve been together for 20 years & what I found out is there were other underlying issues (which have been fixed). But that is still no excuse.
I never dreamed my husband would do this. He has always been my best friend.He’s always been the husband where other women tell me how lucky I am to have him because he’s always been amazing. I stayed because I’m a fighter and I believe we can make this work.
The Internet definitely makes it easier for people to start emotional affairs. It has certainly changed my life and not always for the better.
It’s so easy, Kim. It’s almost a constant temptation. I think you have to concentrate on NOT behaving in that manner.
Also Karen….do you believe in the type of love you write about ?
I’m taking a break from writing to answer your question, Mari.
Absolutely, completely, positively believe in the type of love I write about. I’ve been there. I don’t think you can write about love, or falling in love, or being in love, unless you do. I can’t fake it that much.
Well thanks ! I do believe in that kind of love. Most people think THAT kind of love does not exist….poor misquided folks. lol I am glad that you do too !
The only reason to have secret passwords and usernames is if you are doing something sneaky. My husband knows my password and I know his password. He can go in my email any time. There is nothing secret in my mail, he can read if he wants. I think that’s what marriage is about, open and honest with nothing to hide. When we first got married I asked him to get something out of my wallet and he looked at me like I had grown two heads. He thought he wasn’t allowed to look in my wallet. I don’t care because I have nothing to hide.
I would not want to be with someone who has to have a secret life. That is BS.
I think the way we handle the internet is something we didn’t think about ten years ago. Certainly not twenty. It’s a new thing.
Karen, I think the Internet’s anonymity is the dark underbelly of all the good parts of it we enjoy. It enables people to act in ways they never would face-to-face. In a broad scope of ways.
I’ve told this elsewhere but will again – as an example. Years ago when I was still reading reviews, I happened upon my very first really scathing one on te morning of my birthday, of all days.
It was REALLY nasty.
Obviously, I noted the reviewer’s name. She didn’t hide it and also trashed my book (Devil In A Kilt) all over various romance site message boards. (back then I lurked and watched such sites)
Well.
Months later, I was at RT. So was she. Guess who I ended up in an elevator with?
Yep. The reader/reviewer who’d been slamming my book everywhere. And it was just the two of us in the elevator.
I smiled and held her gaze. She flushed scarlet and looked terrified.
She was also about 16!! Or looked that young, anyway. Tiny little thing who didn’t look ‘bold’ enough to scare a mouse. Yet online, she was a she-lion, ripping into me/my book every chance she got.
To my face? She melted and I feared she’d faint.
Devil In A Kilt won RT’s Award for Best First Historical that year. When I collected the award on stage, I smiled at her again. She again blushed a thousand shades of red.
So, yes, I believe the Internet gives people the opportunity to pretend they are someone else, or act differently than they would to someone’s face.
But I would never ever share my passwords with a partner. No way. I believe everyone needs a private sphere and that would breach it in my view.
Love that – the dark underbelly.
Again, I’m not in the position where it’s necessary, so it’s moot to me. I would like to think that both of us would share. I think the internet is a new and different animal in relationships.
I do not share my passwords to anything. I’ve been married for 13 years now. If he really wanted to see what I am doing online he could look at the history on our computer. But we don’t feel the need to share passwords. Nor spy on each other. I have to change my passwords often because I do online auctions. I trust my husband and he trusts me. As far as we are concerned, that is what true love is about. Complete trust, not having to prove yourself because you have that complete trust. I do not want to be treated like a child and be ‘mistrusted’ or ‘smothered’. I am what I am, my husband is what he is. IF he were to ‘meet’ someone online and leave me or cheat etc, then he is no longer the man I married. I would sadly close that chapter of my life. I think treating him and he treating me with such trust helps us keep it. I don’t want to hurt him ever and I truly believe he feels the same way. I don’t think I should have to share my every thought, my facebook or my email account with him to gain his trust, that trust should already be there, or why be in this relationship in the first place? Love is about trust, it’s about taking a chance. It’s well worth it if you give 100% without thinking about what you are going to get in return.
I’m fascinated with the responses to this post. Either people feel strongly one way or another.
That’s okay – that’s what discussion is all about.
I noticed that too Karen. It does seem to be one way or the other. I guess I would feel way to overwhelmed to constantly check up on my husband! Usually when someone is cheating their personality changes. I like to think I’d notice a change in him. I guess I feel that I would rather just enjoy my life as it is. Take it as I experience it and when the bad rolls in, I’ll deal with that too. I know some men cheat because they can, they talk to other women etc but my husband rarely goes online, if he were going to cheat it’d probably be with someone he met at work. I don’t go running over there to scout who he works with either. It’s not worth the energy to think the worst. I’d rather continue on just having that trust and loving him for who he is. My husband, my lover, my friend, my companion.
I don’t know my DH’s passwords but I’m sure if I asked, he would freely give it. The same goes for me. I feel there needs to be a level of trust. Sometimes trust is broken and the rules change but until that happens, I believe we each need to feel that we are trusted. I met my DH online back in 2002. We met face to face in June of 2003 and have been together ever since. What worked for us? We were both honest about who we are up front. We hid nothing. I feel that if meeting someone online you cannot pretend at all if you plan on taking the relationship anywhere.
Cheating doesn’t always have feelings involved. As for cheating, I think it involves anything with another person that you wouldn’t let your mate watch happen. I’m talking about a healthy relationship here. Some people are very jealous and you cannot do anything without accusation. Healthy relationships normally do not have jealousy in them. Cheating doesn’t always have feelings involved.
Great way of putting it, Leah: “involves anything with another person that you wouldn’t let your mate watch…”
Thought I’d let you know that I read your letter to “Mr. Maxman” in the sidebar and will now be unable to make supper for laughing. Guess I’ll have to go to bed hungry tonight. ((:O
I’m in the oddest mood.
That email just hit me in the wrong – snarky – place.
I also agree with your definition of cheating and don’t consider it too rigid. I’m not too sure about the advice given to commited couples, though and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the implied lack of trust. I don’t have a problem sharing any information with my husband and we’ve done that so we can handle things in each other’s absence. I believe if someone is going to cheat, they will find a way; the web is just another tool or excuse.